Who am I?

I think a lot of people go through life asking themselves this question - who am I?  I've never been satisfied with the answer to this question.  I've spent most of my adult life feeling that the answer is inadequate - that I am inadequate.  I have become very anti-social, and I'm frequently asking myself why.  Why don't I keep in touch with friends and family?  Why don't I make new friends?  And frankly, the answer is that I don't think I'm interesting enough for consideration.  You would think that I would be past this type of teenage insecurity by now, but it seems to be rearing its ugly head.  All it takes is for somebody to ignore me in a conversation, and it pops right up.  So, in defense, I have just stopped talking to everybody.  This is one of many self-destructive behaviors I would like to put a definite end to.  I've realized lately, though, that I just don't know how.  The answer seems simple - just call everybody and start talking.  But it really isn't that simple when I don't know what to say.  I'm afraid that if I start calling people out of the blue when I haven't called them in years, that they'll think I want something.  And I do!  I just want to reconnect with the world, nothing more.  I need to examine this further - and see if I can come up with a jumping-off point.  I don't want to spend too much more time inside my own head, but I need some creative input.  I'm hoping that some motorcycle time this weekend will help me to get to the answer.  It usually does.  The wind seems to blow the extraneous crap out of the way and allow me to think more clearly about important things.

PMS - The Silent Diet Killer

This is the time I've been dreading.  I'll get going on diet programs and do great, and then the PMS rears its ugly head.  It's been a lot worse over the last three years or so, and it affects every aspect of my life - work, relationships, diet, sleep, you name it.  And I get the absolute worst cravings for all the comfort foods - cookies, ice cream, donuts.  AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!  I'm looking at this as my first real challenge in this program.  Things have been going along pretty well, but the real challenge is upon me.  This will probably go on for the next five days, and once the monthly begins, the worst of it tapers off.  I will need all the support and willpower and inner strength I can muster to make it through these days.  If I can get past this, I'll know for sure that I'm ready to make this happen.  I'm going to go engage in some positive self-talk - possibly non-stop for a few hours.  :)  I did get some gardening in today, which makes me feel good, so if the weather holds up, I think I'll go out and pull weeds every time a craving comes on.  Maybe I'll actually get my garden finished this year.  :)

The fine art of the cheat

Ok, I'll freely admit it, I had my first item off the plan today.  I had a work training that ran long, and didn't bring a snack with me (bad pre-planning, I know), so I went over to Starbucks and got a tall skinny iced caramel macchiato.  Only 100 calories, although the carb content is rather obscene.  But I'm not going to feel bad about it.  I needed the caffeine, and it was a skinny option for the time.  I am on my way out the door to walk this thing off, plus some.  I don't feel like I need more sugar, I don't feel like I need to cheat more, and I came home and had my curried salmon and salad for lunch.  I did notice that the caramel tasted excessively sweet - almost made my teeth hurt.  I think that's a good sign.  Back on course and heading for the next five pounds.

Changing the mindset

I think having a different mindset about losing weight has been my biggest block.  After a few weeks, I always fall back on this little gem:
"I've lost this much weight, I can cheat."
The problem with that?  I keep on saying it to myself until the bad habits are right back in place.  I'll start looking for any justification to start eating what I want, instead of what I should - I compare myself to other heavy people and decide I look better than they do so I shouldn't feel bad, I use food to soothe myself when I'm stressed out, it's just easier than chopping up all those veggies all the time.  I've done this enough times now that I'm realizing that I need more positive reinforcement going the other direction.

Before I went on this plan, and knew that I would be starting it soon, I would think about seeing myself in pictures.  I haven't wanted anybody to take pictures of me for a few years now, because then I really have to face the fat.  Not denial, just....OK, it was denial.  Then I would feel bad, and feeling bad is a one way trip to a container of donut holes.  Fat pills, Dave calls them.  No shit.  But in the last few weeks, I've been paying attention to the way I move around at work.  One of my co-workers had commented that I don't seem to let being a few pounds overweight (a few pounds - she's so sweet) keep me from cranking my projects out at top speed.  Which is true, although it definitely wears me out sometimes.  And then it suddenly occurred to me that there's a link between that and those pictures.  I don't FEEL like a fat person.  I don't move like one, either.  And despite a rather negative self-image, I don't carry myself like a fat person.  At least, I don't think I do.  And that has been pretty key in changing my mindset for this journey.  I'm a person of normal weight in an overweight body.  I get irritated by the limitations that extra weight puts on me.  I don't want to be worn out when I get home from work, even after a somewhat physical day.  I want to have the energy to do fun stuff with my family in the evenings.  I want to be able to paint my own toenails without discomfort.  For the love of Pete, I want to look straight down and see my feet!  Ok, that one might not happen - that was tough before the weight gain, thanks to genetics.  :)  I want to be able to wear a bathing suit without feeling terribly self-conscious.  I have a lake two blocks from my house, and I never go down there and go swimming because of my weight.  How silly is that?   I would like to wear a tank top without worrying about how fat my arms look.  I would like to not be the heaviest person when we get together with friends.  The list goes on and on.

So for right now, I keep pushing away the negative thoughts and justifications, and focus on these things:
I am a normal weight person in an overweight body.
I feel so much better when I eat this way!
I don't feel so pervasively guilty all the time about my eating, which is a huge load off my mind.

This is working.  I'm also looking for input from friends and family, posting on Facebook for accountability and support, and getting ready to turn the wall above my desk into an inspiration wall - dreams, goals, anything that keeps me on the right track.  This is the most positive I've been in a long time.  I intend to stay this way.

Back to Square One

Well, obviously, my little effort at the beginning of the year didn't pay off like I'd hoped.  Two weeks of working on the weight loss, got about eight pounds down.....and proceeded to jump right back into bad habits and gain the weight back.  That seems to happen to me a lot - the two week dedication, and then done.  I keep thinking that if I can get past that first two weeks, maybe I'll finally make some progress.

I have started a weight loss trial with Metagenics, a company based in Gig Harbor that makes supplements for naturopaths and medically supervised weight loss programs.  They are doing a clinical trial of a compound derived from hops to gauge the benefit during a weight loss program.  I'll be on a specific diet and exercise program for three months, taking the supplement (or placebo), then continue to be monitored for the next twelve months while taking the supplement to see if it will continue to help me lose weight.  This diet is similar to one I've tried before - lots of greens and veggies, little fruit, lots of lean protein, healthy fats.  No sugar, potatoes, rice or grains of any kind for the first three months.  I expect to have some serious rough patches, but I intend to post my progress on Facebook on a regular basis for encouragement and accountability.  I also have appointments with the doctor monitoring my program every two weeks, and group sessions every two weeks as well, which I think will help a lot - doing it alone always gets me in trouble.  Besides the weight loss and improvement in health, this program definitely has other benefits.  I get all my supplements and meal replacements at no charge (you should see all the vitamins and supplements I have to take every day), and they're going to pay me to be in the study.  How can I beat that?  To be able to stay in the study, I have to lose 15 pounds in the first three months.  I intend to lose more than that - I'd like to drop 20.  We'll see how it goes.  First day was yesterday - not bad.  Big salad with tuna for lunch, lean steak with mashed cauliflower and big salad for dinner.  I think the trick will be finding more recipes to work with this diet.  They've also got a pedometer for me to wear daily.  The goal is 10,000 steps a day.  Yesterday was 1782 - obviously, I need to move more, which I already knew, but seeing it spelled out digitally every day really brings it home.

This is a new beginning - let's hope I can get past that two week mark.

Day 3 - already seems long

I find myself thinking about food A LOT.  Not just about eating food, or wanting to eat food, but how I treat food and how I use it as a reward, or relief from boredom.  I'm realizing that I need to have a change of mindset if this is going to work.  It is going to be a lifestyle change - but slowly.  I can seriously feel the sugar deprivation - my head hurts, and I feel like I might bite somebody's leg, especially if it's made of chocolate.  :)  But I'm trying to make sure I'm getting enough magnesium to stop the chocolate cravings, and the shakes (yes, I'm using Slim-Fast right now, give me crap about it AFTER I lose 10 pounds) seem to relieve it.  I'm not a big fan of Slim-Fast, nutritionally - if you really look at the ingredients, they're pretty gross.  That being said, I need a kickstart to stay encouraged, so I'm going to use them for a few weeks to get the process going, which should give me some time to formulate a healthy diet plan.  I'm also using a fat burner - nothing with hokey crap or ephedra.  Just EGCG from green tea and some kelp, a thermogenic/thyroid booster.  And I know it's working - I'm breaking a sweat just doing my job every day.  I'm just focusing on the positive.  So wish me luck!

Already lost three pounds!

Changing bad habits

Food has been mostly pleasure and comfort to me for the last seven years or so, and despite knowing better, I have eaten an immense amount of crap food for some time.  I know exactly what I need to do to lose weight, improve my health....I just don't do it.  Everyone likes to talk about this diet and that exercise program and this pill.  The bottom line is, I like to eat more than I like to move.  Period.  It's like watching Dr. Phil...he sits there and tells people how to conduct their lives - and they should ALREADY KNOW, if they had any common sense, which they obviously don't.  Or, maybe it's just easier to be a schmuck.  So I guess, for some time now, I found it easier to be lazy and buy larger clothes.  But in the last six months, it's finally become an issue for me.  It's easy to say that I don't care about the aesthetics - but frankly, that's a lie.  Because I don't even want people taking pictures of me at this weight.  I say I would like to lose weight for my health, and to have some more energy, but looks aren't the issue - well, that's half true.  Being fat sucks.  I do care about how I look, but it's been easier to just look in the mirror less. 

I'm done.

I think that the beginning of my battle is learning to look at food as fuel, and not as pleasure, comfort or reward.  It seems like a simple thing - but I'm pretty sure it's easier said than done.  I will need to find new ways to treat myself.  I will get off my ass everyday and move.  I will stop eating everything in the house when I'm stressed, or bored, or hormonal (which, thanks to perimenopause, is EVERY FREAKIN' DAY).  I'm looking for tools to help me with this process - I want a healthy relationship with food again.  Hmmmm....maybe getting out of the natural food business wasn't a good idea after all.  :)  So if any of you have any ideas, feel free to pass them along.  I need all the help I can get.

I was planning to post my weight on here, and track it as it drops....but frankly, I'm too embarrassed to post my starting weight.  Which should tell me something, don't you think?  However, as this process goes on, I will post my losses and triumphs - and sometimes, my backward slides.

Goal #1 - lose 20 pounds by March 31st.  We will be heading for Mexico for Smitty's wedding, and if I need to stand on the beach in a sundress, I would rather not have people exclaim "What kind of whale is that on the beach?" when they look at the wedding pictures.  So, here we go!