PMS - The Silent Diet Killer

This is the time I've been dreading.  I'll get going on diet programs and do great, and then the PMS rears its ugly head.  It's been a lot worse over the last three years or so, and it affects every aspect of my life - work, relationships, diet, sleep, you name it.  And I get the absolute worst cravings for all the comfort foods - cookies, ice cream, donuts.  AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!  I'm looking at this as my first real challenge in this program.  Things have been going along pretty well, but the real challenge is upon me.  This will probably go on for the next five days, and once the monthly begins, the worst of it tapers off.  I will need all the support and willpower and inner strength I can muster to make it through these days.  If I can get past this, I'll know for sure that I'm ready to make this happen.  I'm going to go engage in some positive self-talk - possibly non-stop for a few hours.  :)  I did get some gardening in today, which makes me feel good, so if the weather holds up, I think I'll go out and pull weeds every time a craving comes on.  Maybe I'll actually get my garden finished this year.  :)

The fine art of the cheat

Ok, I'll freely admit it, I had my first item off the plan today.  I had a work training that ran long, and didn't bring a snack with me (bad pre-planning, I know), so I went over to Starbucks and got a tall skinny iced caramel macchiato.  Only 100 calories, although the carb content is rather obscene.  But I'm not going to feel bad about it.  I needed the caffeine, and it was a skinny option for the time.  I am on my way out the door to walk this thing off, plus some.  I don't feel like I need more sugar, I don't feel like I need to cheat more, and I came home and had my curried salmon and salad for lunch.  I did notice that the caramel tasted excessively sweet - almost made my teeth hurt.  I think that's a good sign.  Back on course and heading for the next five pounds.

Changing the mindset

I think having a different mindset about losing weight has been my biggest block.  After a few weeks, I always fall back on this little gem:
"I've lost this much weight, I can cheat."
The problem with that?  I keep on saying it to myself until the bad habits are right back in place.  I'll start looking for any justification to start eating what I want, instead of what I should - I compare myself to other heavy people and decide I look better than they do so I shouldn't feel bad, I use food to soothe myself when I'm stressed out, it's just easier than chopping up all those veggies all the time.  I've done this enough times now that I'm realizing that I need more positive reinforcement going the other direction.

Before I went on this plan, and knew that I would be starting it soon, I would think about seeing myself in pictures.  I haven't wanted anybody to take pictures of me for a few years now, because then I really have to face the fat.  Not denial, just....OK, it was denial.  Then I would feel bad, and feeling bad is a one way trip to a container of donut holes.  Fat pills, Dave calls them.  No shit.  But in the last few weeks, I've been paying attention to the way I move around at work.  One of my co-workers had commented that I don't seem to let being a few pounds overweight (a few pounds - she's so sweet) keep me from cranking my projects out at top speed.  Which is true, although it definitely wears me out sometimes.  And then it suddenly occurred to me that there's a link between that and those pictures.  I don't FEEL like a fat person.  I don't move like one, either.  And despite a rather negative self-image, I don't carry myself like a fat person.  At least, I don't think I do.  And that has been pretty key in changing my mindset for this journey.  I'm a person of normal weight in an overweight body.  I get irritated by the limitations that extra weight puts on me.  I don't want to be worn out when I get home from work, even after a somewhat physical day.  I want to have the energy to do fun stuff with my family in the evenings.  I want to be able to paint my own toenails without discomfort.  For the love of Pete, I want to look straight down and see my feet!  Ok, that one might not happen - that was tough before the weight gain, thanks to genetics.  :)  I want to be able to wear a bathing suit without feeling terribly self-conscious.  I have a lake two blocks from my house, and I never go down there and go swimming because of my weight.  How silly is that?   I would like to wear a tank top without worrying about how fat my arms look.  I would like to not be the heaviest person when we get together with friends.  The list goes on and on.

So for right now, I keep pushing away the negative thoughts and justifications, and focus on these things:
I am a normal weight person in an overweight body.
I feel so much better when I eat this way!
I don't feel so pervasively guilty all the time about my eating, which is a huge load off my mind.

This is working.  I'm also looking for input from friends and family, posting on Facebook for accountability and support, and getting ready to turn the wall above my desk into an inspiration wall - dreams, goals, anything that keeps me on the right track.  This is the most positive I've been in a long time.  I intend to stay this way.

Back to Square One

Well, obviously, my little effort at the beginning of the year didn't pay off like I'd hoped.  Two weeks of working on the weight loss, got about eight pounds down.....and proceeded to jump right back into bad habits and gain the weight back.  That seems to happen to me a lot - the two week dedication, and then done.  I keep thinking that if I can get past that first two weeks, maybe I'll finally make some progress.

I have started a weight loss trial with Metagenics, a company based in Gig Harbor that makes supplements for naturopaths and medically supervised weight loss programs.  They are doing a clinical trial of a compound derived from hops to gauge the benefit during a weight loss program.  I'll be on a specific diet and exercise program for three months, taking the supplement (or placebo), then continue to be monitored for the next twelve months while taking the supplement to see if it will continue to help me lose weight.  This diet is similar to one I've tried before - lots of greens and veggies, little fruit, lots of lean protein, healthy fats.  No sugar, potatoes, rice or grains of any kind for the first three months.  I expect to have some serious rough patches, but I intend to post my progress on Facebook on a regular basis for encouragement and accountability.  I also have appointments with the doctor monitoring my program every two weeks, and group sessions every two weeks as well, which I think will help a lot - doing it alone always gets me in trouble.  Besides the weight loss and improvement in health, this program definitely has other benefits.  I get all my supplements and meal replacements at no charge (you should see all the vitamins and supplements I have to take every day), and they're going to pay me to be in the study.  How can I beat that?  To be able to stay in the study, I have to lose 15 pounds in the first three months.  I intend to lose more than that - I'd like to drop 20.  We'll see how it goes.  First day was yesterday - not bad.  Big salad with tuna for lunch, lean steak with mashed cauliflower and big salad for dinner.  I think the trick will be finding more recipes to work with this diet.  They've also got a pedometer for me to wear daily.  The goal is 10,000 steps a day.  Yesterday was 1782 - obviously, I need to move more, which I already knew, but seeing it spelled out digitally every day really brings it home.

This is a new beginning - let's hope I can get past that two week mark.

Day 3 - already seems long

I find myself thinking about food A LOT.  Not just about eating food, or wanting to eat food, but how I treat food and how I use it as a reward, or relief from boredom.  I'm realizing that I need to have a change of mindset if this is going to work.  It is going to be a lifestyle change - but slowly.  I can seriously feel the sugar deprivation - my head hurts, and I feel like I might bite somebody's leg, especially if it's made of chocolate.  :)  But I'm trying to make sure I'm getting enough magnesium to stop the chocolate cravings, and the shakes (yes, I'm using Slim-Fast right now, give me crap about it AFTER I lose 10 pounds) seem to relieve it.  I'm not a big fan of Slim-Fast, nutritionally - if you really look at the ingredients, they're pretty gross.  That being said, I need a kickstart to stay encouraged, so I'm going to use them for a few weeks to get the process going, which should give me some time to formulate a healthy diet plan.  I'm also using a fat burner - nothing with hokey crap or ephedra.  Just EGCG from green tea and some kelp, a thermogenic/thyroid booster.  And I know it's working - I'm breaking a sweat just doing my job every day.  I'm just focusing on the positive.  So wish me luck!

Already lost three pounds!

Changing bad habits

Food has been mostly pleasure and comfort to me for the last seven years or so, and despite knowing better, I have eaten an immense amount of crap food for some time.  I know exactly what I need to do to lose weight, improve my health....I just don't do it.  Everyone likes to talk about this diet and that exercise program and this pill.  The bottom line is, I like to eat more than I like to move.  Period.  It's like watching Dr. Phil...he sits there and tells people how to conduct their lives - and they should ALREADY KNOW, if they had any common sense, which they obviously don't.  Or, maybe it's just easier to be a schmuck.  So I guess, for some time now, I found it easier to be lazy and buy larger clothes.  But in the last six months, it's finally become an issue for me.  It's easy to say that I don't care about the aesthetics - but frankly, that's a lie.  Because I don't even want people taking pictures of me at this weight.  I say I would like to lose weight for my health, and to have some more energy, but looks aren't the issue - well, that's half true.  Being fat sucks.  I do care about how I look, but it's been easier to just look in the mirror less. 

I'm done.

I think that the beginning of my battle is learning to look at food as fuel, and not as pleasure, comfort or reward.  It seems like a simple thing - but I'm pretty sure it's easier said than done.  I will need to find new ways to treat myself.  I will get off my ass everyday and move.  I will stop eating everything in the house when I'm stressed, or bored, or hormonal (which, thanks to perimenopause, is EVERY FREAKIN' DAY).  I'm looking for tools to help me with this process - I want a healthy relationship with food again.  Hmmmm....maybe getting out of the natural food business wasn't a good idea after all.  :)  So if any of you have any ideas, feel free to pass them along.  I need all the help I can get.

I was planning to post my weight on here, and track it as it drops....but frankly, I'm too embarrassed to post my starting weight.  Which should tell me something, don't you think?  However, as this process goes on, I will post my losses and triumphs - and sometimes, my backward slides.

Goal #1 - lose 20 pounds by March 31st.  We will be heading for Mexico for Smitty's wedding, and if I need to stand on the beach in a sundress, I would rather not have people exclaim "What kind of whale is that on the beach?" when they look at the wedding pictures.  So, here we go!

Animal funnies

Tweet this!

The Power of Music

I have found myself slipping away from my passion for music the last few years, as I indulge in other forms of media.  Today, I'm asking myself why - I ALWAYS feel better when I'm listening to, performing or playing music.  As I sit here ruminating, I am listening to Mike's playlist on UStream.  Such wonderful gems floating by - John Lennon, Boz Scaggs, Little River Band, Tom Jones (yes, THAT Tom Jones) - and it reminds me of how easy it is to leave behind those things that really have meaning to us, while we worry about the things we think are important right now (and really aren't).  Music has the power to bring back memories, strengthen friendships and get them started, make us break into song, dance with joy, make a bad day better, connect us to people we may have nothing more in common with than love of a single song.  Music really is the universal language, and I am grateful that God blessed me with the gift of being able to make it as well as appreciate it.  Right now I'm listening to "Six Months in a Leaky Boat" by Split Enz - it reminds me of being a teenager, with no more responsibility than cleaning my room and going to school, hanging out with my best friend and singing at the top of our lungs in the car.  Of course, when I listen to this song in the car, I still sing at the top of my lungs - how can you not?   Music has connected me to some of the best friends I have.  Mike and I met because of our mutual love of music, and despite our difficulties, it has kept us friends, for which I am grateful - not only because I need a good tech when my stuff breaks down, but because he has much better resources for putting all these tunes together.  :)  Haha.  So today, I am ignoring my TV, and using my computer to listen to tunes courtesy of my favorite DJ.  And sometime in the near future, I intend to get my hands on a keyboard and start playing again.  It's time.

Movie Song of the Day - "Run and Tell That"  from Hairspray

P.S.  Pete Postlethwaite, one of the most amazing actors on the planet, passed away Sunday after a long battle with cancer.  RIP, Pete - we'll never forget you.

Day 2

Did I do something nice for somebody today?  I did - Dave and I went to my friend's house to help get it cleaned up and ready to put on the market.  So if you know anyone in the market for a five bedroom house in Kent, WA please let me know.  We have to get this thing sold so she can buy a more permanent residence in Hawaii.  I'll admit to being torn about that - I would love to be able to visit her over there as often as I can afford it.  But having her that far away is still going to suck. 

I've been cleaning all afternoon, and I still reek of Simple Green - time to take a hot shower and hit the Tempur-pedic.  Aloha!

Movie Quote of the Day - "The Price is Wrong, bitch!"  Happy Gilmore

Star Trek - issues with the future

I've just watched J.J Abrams' Star Trek again, for the ____ time (I'm not telling you how many times I've seen it), because frankly, I loved it.  I realize that many Trek purists have their issues with this movie, but I'm sure they would have complained about this film no matter how it was made - you just can't make all of the geeks happy all of the time.  However, if these folks would loosen up the collars of their homemade Starfleet uniforms and relax a bit, they might appreciate this homage/update for what it is.  This is a nearly perfect film, from the organic filming techniques that keep it from looking too slick, to some seriously spot-on casting.  I don't know about you, but the first time I saw Zachary Quinto as Spock, the hair stood up on the back of my neck.  And the unbelievable beauty shot of the Enterprise rising out of the rings of Saturn actually brought tears to my eyes.  Yes, I'm a HUGE geek, I admit it freely.  But one of the things I love about movies is an appreciation for what movie makers are trying to accomplish.  And I have to say it....kudos to J.J and Karl Urban for their update of McCoy, my all-time favorite character.  Cynical, grouchy, combative - and sexy?  Who'dve thunk?

That being said, in more words than was truly necessary, I have two serious complaints about this vision of the future.... 

Why, when man has ventured out into the universe, explored strange new worlds, spent time seeking out new life and new civilizations, and created a way to travel faster than the speed of light, has he not found a way to make the birth process painless? 

And why, in the name of God, are humans still drinking Budweiser? (this applies now, too)

Just curious.

2011 - The Year of Recovery

Well, you have to start somewhere.  I'm sure that to start with, this blog will be a simple exercise in self-gratification; it's just another way to express my opinion to everybody, as if I needed another method.  But I hope, as time goes on, that something good will come of it.  Maybe I'll exercise my creativity, maybe it will become my tool of accountability in a life lacking discipline, or maybe it will just be random crap.  I guess it will depend on the day.

I'm not a big fan of New Year's resolutions.  I can appreciate the idea of starting over, using the date as an excuse to make a necessary change in your life - or at least one YOU think is necessary, and frankly, your opinion is the one that counts.  However, I also see them as a way to continually, year after year, set yourself up for failure, because with very few exceptions, you know you aren't going to stick to it.  Did I mention that I'm a cynic?  No need, I suppose - you'll figure that out rather quickly.  All of that being said, I feel the need to make some changes, so, like all the other media-fed sheep, I'm going to use the new year as a motivating factor to get my ass in gear.  I think I'll try something different with the structure - the idea of only changing one thing for the entire year bores me to tears.  So, to keep things interesting, I am going to do something different each month, and post the process for the whole world to see.  Will that make me stick to it?  There's only one way to find out. 

For January, I will try to do something nice for somebody else every day.  I think most people already engage in this, so to you I say - thanks for making me look bad.  My turn to catch up.  I'll be the first to admit that I am basically a selfish person.  It isn't so much that I don't give to others and keep all for myself, but I truly find it difficult to give of myself to others.  I'm just not that impressed with the source material, so I think everyone else will feel the same way.  However, this attitude hasn't improved my life in any way, so I think it's time for a change.  Did I actually get started today?  I'll say yes - but I'll spare you the details.  :)
Tomorrow, Dave and I will be going over to a friend's house to work on repairs and cleaning so she can get it on the market.  I'm sure random thoughts will pass through as I wash windows, so you may see them here tomorrow, if they're worth posting.

As part of my excessive self-indulgence, I'm going to post movie stuff on here ALL THE TIME.  Please feel free to participate and comment - you know they're my favorite hobby.

Movie Quote of the Day - "I am Spartacus!"  (not from Spartacus, but That Thing You Do!)